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Israel’s Netanyahu starves 1 in 5 Gaza Children
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Showing posts with label Satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Satire. Show all posts
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Is THAT All? Man gets 10 days in jail for bison killing
I'll tell ya what buddy bwoy (AKA 'punk little F*** Face'!)
Leave the gun @ home BIG MAN, and meet me in the arena... No waiting for 'High Noon'. NOW! We've got a score to settle.
DENVER, Jan. 29 (UPI) -- A 45-year-old Texas man will spend 10 days in jail in Park County, Colo., for masterminding the killing of 32 bison last year, a judge says.
Park County District Judge Stephen Groome ruled this week Texas businessman Jeffrey Hawn earned a reduced sentence on a cruelty to animals charge due to a deal with the district attorney's office, The Denver Post said Thursday.
Hawn had been accused of organizing the shooting deaths of the bison last February and March.
The bison had been owned by rancher Monte Downare of Colorado's South Park region, but had apparently wandered onto Hawn's property.
Groome said while handing down his sentence Wednesday he was disturbed by the fact that some of the animals were killed by up to eight bullets.
"What I find really disturbing is that these animals definitely suffered," the judge said.
The Post said Hawn offered an apology in court prior to being sentenced.
"With the benefit of hindsight, I made a lot of mistakes," he told the court.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Shoes Thrown at Bush Revealed to Have Message on Bottoms
Click The Image For Shoe Size Larger Than 10s
Source
.
Tags:
Al-Zeidi,
Bristol Palin,
George W. Bush,
Humor,
Iraq,
Iraq War,
Iraqi Culture,
Sarah Palin,
Satire,
War On Iraq
Thursday, May 22, 2008
In Honor Of National Tap Dance Day - The Senator "Wide Stance" Larry Craig Bathroom Stall 'Bobble Foot'
"According to a Saints press release about its Larry Craig bobble foot day, "It doesn't matter if your tapping style is done with a 'wide stance.'"
On Sunday, May 25 the first 2500 fans through the gates at Midway Stadium will receive a Saints bobble foot in honor of National Tap Dance Day and in tribute to all their toe-tapping friends and fans from around the nation who may ever have set foot in Minneapolis-St. Paul… even for just a change of planes. The one-of-a-kind collector’s item depicts a restroom stall and a bobble foot peaking out from underneath.Read it all, in it's full wide standing glory
Saturday, May 3, 2008
In Anticipation Of The '08 US Presidential Election And It's Outcome (Again)... A Message from John Cleese (Monty Python) to the people of the US
Message from John Cleese to the people of the country formerly known as the "United" States Of America
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to Acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary).
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 21% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 PM with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.
Thank you for your co-operation.
Related @ Technorati: Comedy, George W. Bush, Humor, John Cleese, Monty Python, Satire, U.S. Domestic Policy, U.S. Foreign Policy
Thanks For Stopping By
Tags:
2008 Election,
Barack Obama,
Cheese,
Comedy,
Hillary Clinton,
Humor,
Monty Python,
Sarcasm,
Satire,
Video
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Disneyland-Style Theme Park Set for Baghdad. Honest to God - MotherJones
But the following snippet from the satirical portion of this presentation about sums it up:
The construction began in November 2003 on a site that had once contained a set of apartment blocks, a school and a public library, but had been conveniently levelled by US bombs.
Thousands of Iraqis showed their support for the project by lining up for jobs. "I need this for my starving wife and children," one man happily told a Fox News crew."I have a doctorate in applied mathematics and was affluent before the war, but now the only chance we have for survival is for Disney to hire me to shovel asphalt."Sadly, this man and twenty-four others were killed by a suicide bomber a few minutes after giving this interview.
[In full @ the bottom of this post]
Disneyland-Style Theme Park Set for Baghdad. Honest to God
MotherJones
Satire becomes reality. In the preview for "War, Inc." that Bruce posted below, private contractor John Cusack executes a war for the American government and then watches bewilderedly as a hip-hop star and her entourage invade the country right behind him.Soon English-language billboards and bumper stickers are everywhere.
That's ridiculous, right? An over-the-top display of how the encroachment of American culture and capitalism works. Leftist Hollywood hysteria.
Guess again, sucker: "[Llewellyn] Werner, chairman of C3, a Los Angeles-based holding company for private equity firms, is pouring millions of dollars into developing the Baghdad Zoo and Entertainment Experience, a massive American-style amusement park that will feature a skateboard park, rides, a concert theatre and a museum.
It is being designed by the firm that developed Disneyland. "The people need this kind of positive influence. It’s going to have a huge psychological impact," Mr Werner said.
The 50-acre (20 hectare) swath of land sits adjacent to the Green Zone and encompasses Baghdad's existing zoo, which was looted, left without power and abandoned after the American-led invasion in 2003...
More @ MoJo
Also, this from September 2005... A Send-Up... I think...
But after reading the MoJo piece one HAS to wonder:
Disney Delays Opening of Baghdad Theme Park
by Nikolai Stephens, Thu. 8 Sep 2005
In a shock move, the Disney Corporation have decided to delay the opening date of their new theme park in Baghdad, Iraq. The opening date, previously set for September 12th, will be postponed indefinitely according to Disney CEO Michael Eisner.
"We regret that many will be inconvenienced by this decision. I know the Iraqi people's deepest wish has been to have an opportunity to partake in the Disney dream, but economic and social practicalities unfortunately mean that it will be some time yet before Baghdad Disney is a reality."
The theme park was set to be the shining light of Iraq's reconstruction and had been one of President George Bush's favourite projects since the American invasion. In May, 2003, immediately after he announced "Mission Accomplished', he outlined his dream of a Baghdad Disney that would be a beacon of American values and ideas throughout the Middle East.
"Baghdad Disney will attract all of the Arab world population to marvel at its glories. It'll be almost like being in Florida, with lots of sand and old people and an enormous theme park with rides and talking, walking animals," he told sailors on the aircraft carrier Missouri.
The construction began in November 2003 on a site that had once contained a set of apartment blocks, a school and a public library, but had been conveniently levelled by US bombs. Thousands of Iraqis showed their support for the project by lining up for jobs. "I need this for my starving wife and children," one man happily told a Fox News crew. "I have a doctorate in applied mathematics and was affluent before the war, but now the only chance we have for survival is for Disney to hire me to shovel asphalt."
Sadly, this man and twenty-four others were killed by a suicide bomber a few minutes after giving this interview. "So many good people have died for this noble cause," George Bush announced in January this year at a New York promotional banquet organised and funded by Disney. "That's why we have to keep with this thing until the end - we owe it to all those who gave the ultimate sacrifice in pursuit of true freedom and the ability to ride the dodge'm cars."
However, in recent months the project has been plagued with problems. Persistent attacks from insurgents, equipment failure and cultural misunderstandings have all hampered the process. Last month Disney, as part of a promotional campaign, hired and trained locals to dress up as Donald Duck, Goofy and Mickey Mouse. They paraded through the streets of Baghdad dancing to a brass band.
Unfortunately, certain fundamentalist Shiite groups consider a dog wearing a hat to be sacrilegious. A riot occurred as the parade passed through the Shiite slum, Sadr City. Thousands of angry men attacked the parade and the participants fled, the band leaving their instruments in the street in their haste. Unfortunately, Goofy and Donald, slowed by their novelty costumes, were caught by the irate mob and beaten to death with brass wind instruments. Mickey has not been seen since and is believed to have fled the country.
However, despite these setbacks and the delay, Michael Eisner is adamant that Baghdad Disney will one day be a reality. "It has to be finished. The White House and the Pentagon will not rest until it is completed and open to the public, and that's not just because Dick Cheney has bought stock in Disney recently. Our government realises the importance of Bagdad Disney for the future economic well being of Iraq. George Bush was saying to me just the other day that, without a Disneyland, what possible reason would there be for anyone to go to a God-forsaken heap of sand and rubble once all the oil has been siphoned off..."
At this moment Eisner's press conference was interrupted by Secret Service agents and he was escorted off the premises. The Pentagon later stated that they believed Islamic extremists were planning to launch a terrorist attack on the building, and it was for this reason that the press conference was ended. Eisner later released a statement declaring that the stress of the possible attack had scrambled his brain and his comments regarding Bush and Cheney were totally inaccurate.
Tags:
C3,
Disney,
Green Zone,
Iraq,
Iraq Reconstruction,
Iraq War,
Iraqi Society,
Llewellyn Werner,
Sarcasm,
Satire
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Because If You Can't Nervously Laugh About Global Mayhem, What CAN You Laugh About? - Where in the World is Osama bin Laden?
Opening this weekend, an new movie by Morgan Spurlock, creator of "Super Size Me". Tipped by SilentPatriot @ Crooks and Liars
Did he FIND Osama? More Here
But he'd better hurry up if he hasn't !
The Obama Girl is... Hot... on UBL's trail:
“The most important thing is for us to find Osama bin Laden. It is our number one priority and we will not rest until we find him.” - G.W. Bush, 9/13/01
“I want justice…There’s an old poster out West, as I recall, that said, ‘Wanted: Dead or Alive,’” - G.W. Bush, 9/17/01, UPI
“…Secondly, he is not escaping us. This is a guy, who, three months ago, was in control of a county [sic]. Now he’s maybe in control of a cave. He’s on the run. Listen, a while ago I said to the American people, our objective is more than bin Laden. But one of the things for certain is we’re going to get him running and keep him running, and bring him to justice. And that’s what’s happening. He’s on the run, if he’s running at all. So we don’t know whether he’s in cave with the door shut, or a cave with the door open — we just don’t know….” - Bush, in remarks in a Press Availablity with the Press Travel Pool, The Prairie Chapel Ranch, Crawford TX, 12/28/01, as reported on official White House site
“I don’t know where bin Laden is. I have no idea and really don’t care. It’s not that important. It’s not our priority.” - G.W. Bush, 3/13/02
“I am truly not that concerned about him.” - G.W. Bush, repsonding to a question about bin Laden’s whereabouts, 3/13/02 (The New American, 4/8/02)
Friday, March 28, 2008
Panties of Redemption - Jesus' General
Friday, March 28, 2008
Panties of Redemption
A(n) (A)rousing testimonial about why
John Smid won't "Spank His Man-Monkey"
The Cast of (closet) characters
John Smid
Love in Action
Homosexual Internment Center
Dear Mr. Smid,
I hear you are stepping down as Love in Action's director.
That's a shame. You will be dearly missed.
I trust you will be staying around long enough to assist in the selection of your successor. It's my hope that you'll pick someone who will continue promoting the values and concepts you championed during your tenure, someone who has adopted your philosophy and put it into practice in his own life. In short, someone like me. I wish to be considered for the position.
I'll never forget the day I first heard you speak about how your "wife's vagina was enough."
I remember silently praying as I heard it, "please God, give me what this man has. I too want to be satisfied by my wife's vagina."
He eventually answered that prayer, but I have to admit it was something with which I had to struggle for many months. It just didn't seem very manly to put my little soldier into such a warm and snuggly place. And it wasn't just a mental thing. Private Johnson would mutiny by refusing to come to attention every time I tried it.
Then one night, after a couple of failed attempts, I turned on the tee vee next to the bed. Ben Hur was on. It was the scene where Chuck Heston is reunited with his old friend, Stephen Boyd. And what do you know, suddenly my little soldier was raring to go. I immediately made another attempt on the vagina, craning my neck so I could see the television screen, and by gosh it worked. Finally, my wife's vagina was enough for me too--that and a copy of Ben Hur (I later learned that John Wayne's Sands of Iwo Jima and anything featuring Abe Vigoda work as well). I think it's because the addition of the movie made the vagina seem just a little less girlie.
Following your advice on masturbation was much easier. Like with you, the choice of underwear played a key role in defeating the temptation. The briefs I had worn up until then were a problem. They squeezed my manparts, and in doing so, aroused me. Boxers were no better.
They allowed my Private Johnson to swing freely, his helmet constantly brushing against the fabric in a seductive dance that fueled the flames of my lust like a burst of gasoline in the number three cylinder of a 427 Hemi.
It was only after I began wearing silky ladies underthings that my libido finally went into sleep mode. The deep red, french cut panties you find at Victoria's Secret seem to work the best, although I enjoy the nice black g-string trimmed with white lace and crimson hearts I picked up at Frederick's of Hollywood too.
So you see, I'm the perfect choice to replace you. I've not only heard your words, I've lived them.
Heterosexually yours,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
Tags:
Charles Heston,
Gay Pride,
Humor,
John Smid,
Love in Action,
Sarcasm,
Satire
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