Showing posts with label Sick Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sick Humor. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Breaking: U.S. Economy Grinds To Halt... Nation Realizes Money Just A Symbolic, Mutually Shared Illusion
"I've spent 25 years in this room yelling 'Buy, buy! Sell, sell!' and for what?" longtime trader Michael Palermo said. "All I've done is move arbitrary designations of wealth from one column to another, wasting my life chasing this unattainable hallucination of wealth."
"What a cruel cosmic joke," he added. "I'm going home to hug my daughter."
Business
U.S. Economy Grinds To Halt As Nation Realizes Money Just A Symbolic, Mutually Shared Illusion
February 16, 2010
WASHINGTON — The U.S. economy ceased to function this week after unexpected existential remarks by Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke shocked Americans into realizing that money is, in fact, just a meaningless and intangible social construct.
What began as a routine report before the Senate Finance Committee Tuesday ended with Bernanke passionately disavowing the entire concept of currency, and negating in an instant the very foundation of the world's largest economy.
"Though raising interest rates is unlikely at the moment, the Fed will of course act appropriately if we…if we…" said Bernanke, who then paused for a moment, looked down at his prepared statement, and shook his head in utter disbelief. "You know what? It doesn't matter. None of this—this so-called 'money'—really matters at all."
"It's just an illusion," a wide-eyed Bernanke added as he removed bills from his wallet and slowly spread them out before him. "Just look at it: Meaningless pieces of paper with numbers printed on them. Worthless."
According to witnesses, Finance Committee members sat in thunderstruck silence for several moments until Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) finally shouted out, "Oh my God, he's right. It's all a mirage. All of it—the money, our whole economy—it's all a lie!"
Screams then filled the Senate Chamber as lawmakers and members of the press ran for the exits, leaving in their wake aisles littered with the remains of torn currency.
U.S. markets closed as traders left their jobs and resolved for once to do or make something, anything of real value.
As news of the nation's collectively held delusion spread, the economy ground a halt, with dumbfounded citizens everywhere walking out on their jobs as they contemplated the little green drawings of buildings and dead white men they once used to measure their adequacy and importance as human beings.
At the New York Stock Exchange, Wednesday morning's opening bell echoed across a silent floor as the few traders who arrived for work out of habit looked up blankly at the meaningless scrolling numbers on the flashing screens above... [Yes... there's more!]
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
On The "Cutting-Edge" - "A Breakthrough Of Buttock-Clenching Importance" - Vasectomy By Robot
(H/t Jesus' General... A manly man!)
“This is state-of-the-art stuff, it’s cutting-edge,”
.Controversy rages over robot vasectomy reversal in Florida
Medical boffins in Florida have announced a breakthrough of buttock-clenching importance: Surgical robots have apparently broken the world speed record for reversing vasectomies.
“This is state-of-the-art stuff, it’s cutting-edge,” says Dr Wayne Kuang, director of Male Reproductive Health at the University of New Mexico, commenting on the developments in Florida. “It’s a natural progression from back in the days when we just had magnified eyeglasses,” he adds, puzzlingly for those - like us - who were unaware that manual snip repair is normally carried out by a surgeon using a microscope so that he can correctly identify "the microscopic tubes involved".
According to a statement issued by the University of Florida... [In Full]
Tags:
Black Humor,
Feminism,
Humor,
Male Health,
Medical Procedure,
Medicine,
Robotics,
Sick Humor,
Surgery,
Technology,
Vasectomy
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Attention Please! This Is Your Captain Speaking.. Overheard On A Flight From Sana'a Yemen
.Overheard on an international flight from Yemen (Afghanistan, Iraq, Pakistan, Lebanon, Nigeria, Somalia, Venezuela, Gaza, Cuba...) recently.
.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Monday, June 15, 2009
Timeless Fashion For The Corporatist In Every Man
You've seen it, now read about it @ Foreign Policy Passport
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
